Feedback isn't a gift

It's a gift exchange

The cliché “feedback is a gift” sounds great, but the metaphor is incomplete. The implication is that feedback is a one-way exchange; something you graciously bestow upon a recipient with the expectation of thanks and with no expectation of anything in return. And sometimes the “gift” makes you feel about as good as I, a bald guy, feel about getting Rogaine for the holidays. Kind of makes you wonder what the sentiment behind it is.

I prefer “feedback is a gift exchange,” because the giver should expect something in return: a better outcome, a challenge, or a conversation.

Feedback vs Complaint

Sometimes, feedback given as a “gift” can be hard to distinguish from a complaint, though sometimes time it’s possible to derive some kind of feedback from a complaint. For example, if you’re using a website with a convoluted or outdated interface and you want to “give feedback” to the developer, a complaint could sound something like, “This website reminds me of Geocities in its prime.” (I’m old.) Certainly, this “feedback” is not a gift, though it’s delivered like one: Here, take this and do with it what you will. While one might be able to derive feedback from this (e.g., “Users are saying the interface is outdated and unattractive, which could make it difficult to navigate”), it’s really speculation on the part of the receiver. Of course, this is an extreme example, though not necessarily unrealistic. Good feedback should be focused on improving outcomes, so a better way to deliver this gift would be, “The user interface is difficult to navigate, so we’re spending more time trying to do things than actually doing things. An improved interface would save us time and money.” The complaint is venting; the feedback is outcome-oriented.

Weaponized Feedback

Often, feedback is a chaos grenade. Someone asks, “May I give you some feedback?” and the recipient braces for impact as the giver pulls the pin, drops the grenade, and walks away, leaving the recipient to deal with the fallout, which can generate feelings of negativity or contribute to a psychologically unsafe environment. Typically, there’s a power dynamic involved in this type of exchange. The giver is usually a superior who feels their legitimate power imbues them with the authority to deliver unquestionable feedback, and the receiver often feels powerless to challenge it. This is usually a consequence of the giver requiring some development of their feedback skills (see my Leadership Bootcamp for a presentation and reference guide on how to improve your feedback-giving skills) and consideration of how to develop, or restore, a high quality relationship. (More to come on that topic soon.)

It its worst manifestation, what is sometimes ham-fisted feedback-cum-chaos grenade becomes intentionally weaponized, like when the recipient is gaslit. Unfortunately, this happens often, and too many people have been victims, including me. Giving feedback well can itself mitigate gaslighting insofar as a good feedback process has inbuilt protection from it going bad, but there are still ways to weaponize feedback that is delivered via a good process. Hearsay, a form of gaslighting, starts with, “I’ve heard from people...” In a gaslighting scenario, these “people” are enigmatic, unnamed entities that allegedly gave ambiguous or tenuous feedback at some indeterminate point in time. However, sometimes the feedback is legit; we can’t discount people who want to remain anonymous and that feedback is being delivered with positive intent. But feedback should be given directly, even if anonymously, and those people who are delivering feedback on behalf of others should make every effort to encourage direct lines of communication.

Give and Take

Considering and socializing feedback as a gift exchange rather than simply a gift will help frame feedback conversations in a way that encourage dialogue, challenge, and improved outcomes. Implicit in this notion is the skill required to guide a feedback conversation, which can easily devolve into a confrontation. One refrain I often repeat is “a conversation is about what is right; a confrontation is about who is right.” We’re all rowing the boat in the same direction, so who is right should be less of a concern than what is right, particularly as far as outcomes are concerned. That ethos can be lost in the “feedback is a gift” model because of its implied one-way nature, but it’s a bit easier to remember when you think about feedback as a gift exchange.